This is me about a week following buzz-day
For those that are still unaware, I shaved my head (number 2 on the buzzer) 9/23/18.
Following my trip to Sedona (9/11 -9/18) where I attended the Sophia Code Divine Feminine Christ Leadership initiate conference, many things had shifted internally.
A few weeks before I left for this conference, I experienced a very upsetting, cataclysmic split from my two closest friends (a husband and wife pair), and my main community here in RI.
THAT is a story of good intentions, infidelity, polyamorous philosophy, truth telling, spiritual exploration, authenticity, blind trust, and in the end, sacred partnership. It is also a story of unrecognized innocence and inner child healing. The details will have to be saved for another time, or never.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
Well, there were many contributing factors. But the main one is this, and it's something I've been praying for for a long time:
DISCERNMENT.
I've always known that going against my desires, feelings, instincts - just to adhere to some set of morals or rules, was never going to work for me.
Intuitively I knew, I was here to say and do things that would go against many societal norms, and so I absolutely had to develop my own inner compass - an internal guidance system I could rely on to lead me down a seldom traveled path.
This adherence to my own inner voices above those of society, my peers, my elders - has gotten me into a lot of trouble.
But it has also allowed me to develop that thing I insisted on having- DISCERNMENT.
WHAT IS DISCERNMENT?
Discernment is the ability to detect where your feelings are arising from. It is knowing the difference between a Divinely Inspired Action (one that comes from your higher self, from source, from your highest and most benevolent guides...) and an attempt from a wounded aspect of yourself to get the healing it needs. Might sound simple, but until you develop a strong relationship with your heart, your intuition, your gut instincts, your clair-abilities (clairvoyance, clairsentience, clairaudience) - BOTH inspired actions and needy ones can feel POSITIVE, BENEFICIAL, and GOOD.
EXAMPLE: Perhaps you remember a time when gossiping felt good to you. Maybe you experienced a hyper, excited feeling when you had something juicy to talk about regarding another person, and this felt good to you. Maybe it made you feel bigger when the story was about someone else. But then you changed. Became more aware. Realized that when there is an UPside, there is always a DOWNside, and you can't actually have one without the other. Suddenly the vibration that gossip rides on doesn't feel just GOOD to you, it feels GIDDY. That is discernment - something which used to fall under the broad banner of the feeling GOOD is split into many shades, and you know which of those shades are beneficial and which ones are not. Now when you get the feeling of giddiness, you know to steer clear.
Sometimes you can KNOW something, but still turn a blind eye toward it because KNOWING is not the same as HEALING.
My lack of discernment, coupled with an unwavering quest for it, is ultimately what got me in trouble this time, too! But I did get the clarity I was seeking in the end.
NOW BACK TO MY HAIR
The truth is, I've had an attachment to my hair for a long time. Or rather, I was attached to what I felt my hair bought me, which was increased femininity, attractiveness, and higher perceived value in society - specifically to men. In fact I’ve been told directly by many men that they prefer long hair.
There was also this other thing- attractiveness meant safety to me. I had a core belief that if I was pleasing to look at, I would not be physically hurt. I can't tell you where this belief came from, except that for me femininity crossed over into submissiveness, imbalance of power, dependence.... it actually felt a lot like the need babies and children have to be "cute", so adults will be more motivated to care for them.
Aha - this was the same unhealed, inner child part of me that had me compromising myself to create good feelings in others, and which also locked me into a karmic relationship where the intense desire to recognize and meet unfilled needs overran my higher goals and aspirations. THAT got me in trouble with my friends. There is my discernment.
Compassion for myself and others was important here. Healing is a life long process, and even though I’d already spent countless hours in classes, workshops, meditations, and inner philosophy development, I was still susceptible to this disaster. The most important thing was what I allowed myself to learn from this, and how I used this wisdom to become more aware, more self responsible, and better aligned to my highest aspirations.
Alas, I didn’t capture a photo of the snake skin, but it was found somewhere right around here.. Long Canyon Trail in Sedona, AZ
There are so many elements to this story, so much more I could say... and maybe I will, eventually. But the important thing for now is, when I came back from Sedona I'd been thoroughly changed. The part of me that needed to be pretty, that was concerned with her perceived value, that was afraid of aging, that felt unrecognized, unseen, and unloved - she fell away like an old snake skin. The vibration of love I'd called in before the summer started, and that was fully grounded and realized inside the Creative Life Center in Sedona surrounded by soul family, made me too big to fit inside of that shell. In fact, my crew and I found a snake skin in the hot, dry desert on a day we were all reborn in our own way - and I have a piece of it sitting on my altar right now.
Just days after my return from the desert, both my partner and I received messages, in separate meditations, that it was time for me to cut my hair. My message specifically was that I would shave my head.
The next morning I was ready. We came home from Starbucks to wake the kids and tell them our plan. They both objected heartily. But they quickly turned around, and my son James made this video of the experience. It was all his idea, start to finish. He took the video, and did all the editing. It was a special moment for me and my family and I'd like to share it with you.
Thank you for listening <3, and if you made it all the way through this, I hope you see some of yourself in it, that it inspires you, or that it helps illuminate some part of you.
Blessings, Chelsie