We're Back to Normal?

from the Sacred [R]evolution Oracle. Pulled this card on November 8, the day of the lunar eclipse.

The Update: Solar Eclipse in Scorpio - October 25 2022 | Lunar Eclipse in Taurus - November 8 2022

For this eclipse season (10.25 -11.08) I was expecting a severing. Something dramatic, sudden, and unwanted -  like the shock I received in July when Uranus met up with Mars and the North Node, and my husband suddenly announced his need to carry on without me.

Instead, it brought a reconciliation. Renewed commitment. A declaration to stay and work through whatever needed to be transformed. "You are my family, and I need my family". This message came to me from overseas. My husband returned from Italy on October 26th.

These last 4 months were a test. A test I regretted signing up for many times as I sat within its relentless confines.

Together, we discovered what a divorce might look and feel like. The shadow side of a love relationship is an ugly thing - but still, we always held each other with honor and respect, and I am proud of that.

Despite all the pain, I walked with a light in my heart and a bright anticipation for the future. It was a moment by moment game, like it always is, but maybe we're not always aware of that.

At my local park on October 25 - The shock of the news was that it was not shocking.

Life is Kind to Me

One mantra I kept returning to in moments of despair, was:

"LIFE IS KIND TO ME."

It works if you truly believe it. It is a declaration as much as a reminder. I moved forward into the impossible with this torch of faith.

This is an important message for the time we are living in right now. Every moment will ask you to make a choice between a shadow reality and a true one. This truth can be seen in the astrology, as well as felt inside you. Biofeedback on our thoughts and actions is more immediate than ever before, in my experience.

FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES

I HAVE SO MANY ALLIES, SO MANY TOOLS. WHEN THINGS GOT REALLY HARD I FELT A DEEP COMPASSION AND AWE FOR EVERY HUMAN BEING WHOM HAS EVER HAD THE IMPOSSIBLE SHOW UP AT THEIR DOOR, AND DID NOT HAVE THE PRIVILEGES I HAVE. EVEN WITH ALL THIS, MY HUMAN FEELINGS PUSHED ME OVER THE EDGE.

Journeying Alongside Masters

Kaia Ra recently offered this prayer for mentoring with Mary Magdalene and when I heard it I thought "yes, that-" : If you work with Mary, invoke her and say this prayer to yourself:

"Show me how to be balanced and in harmony with the power of my Higher Self, whether something feels easy or hard, in every present moment. Show me how creative I can be. Show me how willing I can be. Show me how courageous I can be. Show me how much fun I can have, even when something does not feel fun. Show me what I'm really up to. I'm ready to discover more of how magnificent I am as an Angel on Earth."

And so it is.

True, it is! Starting Late November 2022

When Life Dawns New

It is the last day of August, and HOT as this time promises to be.

I love it. The morning sun kisses my skin and warms my bones. I am the conduit for New Life to arise. I am the form, the female, the vessel. I receive the Sun and use its seed my creation. I use it for pleasure. There is so much sunlight to go around. All Life on Earth can share in its brilliance, with none ever receiving "less".

Hot August Sun: photo by James Day, Unsplash

The Virgo new moon, which came early on August 27,  brought me a new life. I stared up at a black starry sky, dark enough for the Milky Way galaxy to be visible. I couldn't believe I was there in Sedona, that I'd made all this happen for myself.

I smoked a part of a tobacco cigarette my good friend had lovingly rolled the day before, and thought back on my choices over the past year. I thought about the years before that, too.

Chapel of the Holy Cross, Sedona, AZ.: Photo by Jesse Gardner, Unsplash

How many times had I stepped forward and faced a fear, called in my Circle of Empowerment, said Prayers for All Life into the face of the Sun as it rose?

"Wow, I am incredible blessed", I thought to myself.

So much of that dedication had reflected back to me that week in the form of beautiful angels saying they'd been touched by my interview with Kaia Ra, telling me how soothing and powerful my presence felt at the conference, or thanking me for my service to the live event I was volunteering at.

“Priestessing”: me doing my very important job of delivering the mic to participants who wanted to speak.

I saw it reflected back in the gift of being on a team of other amazing, talented, brilliant light workers. I gave thanks that my pure and true dedication to serve that community was finally given a job to do. I felt happier than the kid who gets picked to erase the chalkboard in third grade (or the dry-erase board now??). I told Jim, "I think I could do this for the rest of my life".

The Volunteer Crew, plus Team Angels at the Sovereign Psychic Leadership Immersive Sedona, AZ 2022

And I knew, in that moment with the black starry sky, when I was feeling higher than I'd ever felt before, that challenges would follow. I knew I'd have to grow, to give more, to become more dedicated to wealth, health, and leadership than ever before. I knew then, at the top of the mountain, that greater peaks would come into view. I knew all those peaks would require a descent into the valley, and a rigorous climb to reach. I realized that all things would live, die, and be re-born, and so no peak was ever the last. But also,

Mountain Peaks: photo by Andrew H, Unsplash

"Damn, it feels good to be recognized. It feels good to serve, night and day, a cause I truly love with all my heart, whether I understand it fully or not.

It feels good to approach a locked door and have someone on the other side open it for you because you are important, you “have a job to do."

VIrgo! Photo by Rob Martin, Unsplash

Virgo = Service

Virgo = Maiden, Priestess

Virgo = Working for the Community

Blessings to All,

Chelsie

Meeting the Shadow

Is this what it's like to burn in hell for your sins?

The sins we commit against ourselves, and you (God). The sins of hurt and lack and separation and loss.

I don't care if my words are spiritually "good" or not. I'm writing to sooth my heart. To feel something other than hopelessness and grief. I feel like people are watching. My mom, the kids, people online. "how much God is in her?" they ask. "How gracefully will she manage this?"

And I am falling. Each day the reality sinks in heavier. And now, I pay for my sins. I'm paying for my infidelity. I'm paying for being the "other woman" in a creepy emotional affair. I'm paying for being born into sin. I'm paying for my willful ignorance. I'm paying for following instincts that were built from shit. I'm paying for being cute. I'm paying for being beautiful. I'm paying for being loved. I'm paying for my sickness. I'm paying for my duties. I'm paying for lack consciousness.

I'm paying, paying, paying for these indulgences in tears and happiness stolen.

I can't imagine in this moment how any of this is worth it. I can't care about growth or transformation. Right now I am nothing, I have nothing. I have no desire, only pain. I have no will, only pain. I have no God, only pain. Pain is what I have. Pain is what I am.

I've felt this pain two times before. Two times he left me. Two times I wasn't what he wanted. Two times I was too much.

Those other two times, I turned it around. First, with sweet talk and sex. Second, by giving up on him. By being willing to walk away. 17 years later, that pain hasn't diminished. The pain of Jim leaving me has always been here. Those first two times, relief came. He changed his mind. He came back. This time, he won't.

19 years ago I was in a bad place. I didn't know it though. I was 18. I had good parents who moved me into my dorm room at Uconn: Shippee Hall, all females. I felt kind of excited. Not that much though, it mostly just seemed like the next step in my aimless existence. But there was always that chance it could change. Every year, new.

Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie

I hated my roommate. She was chipper and sheltered. I was depressed and exposed. I wanted to skip class and sleep until 4pm. She wanted to roll up the shades at 8am and do homework. Eventually she moved out. And Jim moved in. To an all girls dorm. Showering in the middle of the night.

Our sex was frequent and fervent but misguided. I wanted him with me all the time. I never wanted him to leave. I felt safe in his shadow. I felt purposeful, cared for, in love. His presence was a life raft and when he left, I felt exposed to the ocean of bad feelings that threatened to suck me to its depth.  Nothing mattered to me as much as him.

I was an emotionally unfaithful partner. I had an undercurrent of need for the attention and love of men.  I always had one a little too close to me.  First, the calculus teacher. Then, a younger classmate. Later, a coworker. Later still, my boss.

Would this all have happened if I hadn't already spent nights crying on Jim's bathroom floor, rejected, lonely, and sad? Would this have happened if I hadn't failed at all of my attempts to make him fall in love with the sparkle behind my eyes?

Too many wounded child interactions left us both weary. I was so open and desperate for someone (Jim) to welcome me, embrace me, cherish me, fall in love with me. My energy said to him "here I am. Take me. I trust you. I give it all to you".  Why was I so willing to give it all that easily?

I can't imagine that child ever seeing daylight with another person ever again. She gave it all when she was young, willing to trust and love the first man to ever say she was worth it. To EXPECT MORE. Those words, written on an empty square of newspaper and passed to me from a Starbucks chair, were probably just the clever creation of a nerdy graduate student "playing the game". But I read them, "I Want to Give You More", and I never looked back.

I thought I was his North Star

A few days ago my husband dropped a huge bomb on me. He told me that he mostly wishes he were not in this relationship and often wonders what else he'd be doing if he weren't with me. It's one thing to say that and want to find out "why", and another to say it and then suggest that we separate, which is what he did.

Personal Hell can look like a rental house with Fresh White Sheets . I am now on vacation in Cape Cod with my husband’s family. I’ve been on this trip 18 times in 19 years.

My body has gone into a trauma response and it's been so bad I've often thought I can't make it through. It feels similar to the transition phase of labor, if anyone can relate. You’re surviving it somehow, but you really don’t think you can.

My husband and I have been through a lot, and it's true he's been quite miserable since I've known him (19 years!). However, I attributed this to his mindset and perspective on life (survival, must do what I have to do, life is hard, etc). Though we would connect quite easily in metaphysical conversation, and he's been there with me for every major download of spirit I've experienced (he was a key player in my download of light language in 2016), he hasn't cultivated a connection to self/God.

Since he's followed me through every major initiation of our relationship (catalyzed by my awakening process), I truly thought I was his North Star, leading him closer to a connection with Spirit. And perhaps that was true, because last Sunday he spontaneously performed metaphysical surgery (!) on himself while we sat in the parking lot of Goddard Park. 

He asked me if I felt scared, several times. I didn't. I don't know how to describe how I felt. I wasn't scared because I've been through my own metaphysical experiences. I know lots of others who have too. But I should have been scared. Because that surgery was about to shatter an illusion that I'd clung to for 20 years of my life. An illusion that soothed a wound so deep within me, I can't determine its origin or much of anything about its nature. But when it gets triggered, I panic as though my life is being threatened. I lose control of my mind and my body starts to produce waves and waves of liquifying chemicals. I experience severe emotional pain and grief.

On some level I know that my husband is right. I've had moments of clarity, and we've even had them together, where I knew someday I'd have to leave him.  But it was always "not yet, not yet". We clung to each other.

East Matunuk State Beach, 2021. Thinking my love was enough.

My greatest fear is that my husband will die. At the beginning of my yoga practice each morning I say five things to myself. One of those things is "This moment right here is all there is, it can't be any other way". This sentence points to the insanity of fighting against what is. I test my embodiment of this teaching by imagining someone telling me Jim is dead.  It is my immediate "worst fear".

This fear could also be that my husband doesn't love me. That he no longer wants to protect me. That I am not his "other". That he is removing his love from my table. That I will not have access to his heart. That I am untethered.

I am 37 years old. I have a 16 year old son, and a 12 year old daughter. I am not a very young woman. There has never been a better time to mature myself in love. Yet, I don't know if I have the strength to do it. It is so painful to feel a separation from Jim, I feel like I need to go to the hospital. I've had to ask for mercy twice in 2 days. And when I’ve asked, it has been given. Suddenly my reality will change. The storm disappears, and it feels like it was never there. This gives me immediate relief from the pain, like an epidural. But it is also disorienting and unsettling, because I know I'm not facing my pain. I'm building up interest, to be paid at a later date.

Seeing you through the window. I’m shaken by how fast the separation is manifesting.

The love I feel for my husband, and that he feels for me, is such a sweet love. It is the kind you can make movies about. The way he touches my face and looks into my eyes, the way I slowly move my lips and my open hands all over his body, saying "I love you" with every breath,  would be the envy of many yearning lovers. For many, this would be it.

But I know. I KNOW. There has always been a ceiling, and a floor, on our connection. I've been inviting him into me, to merge with me, since the beginning. Each time I've been denied. And I just thought it was too much, that maybe it was too scary. I thought maybe he didn't trust the feminine. And that we would get there. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. I worked on myself. I turned my attention inward. I could fix this.

I matured. I took responsibility for a lot of my neediness and pain. But this pain was never quite healed, it was just removed from his plate. Tucked away inside of me, because I learned that trying to heal it through him would not work. But it CAN be healed through him, or through another. I know this. I know I need to be seen.

I have learned to enjoy life. I love my life. I love my family. I love my husband. For someone who used to constantly struggle with wanting to die, this is a huge accomplishment.

"Why do you stay?" He asked me. Because we both know, I am a bad fit. I don't belong in this place where people get drunk on the weekends and populate their decks with furniture from Target. I belong on a mountain some where in Peru, or in an Ashram, and or in the jungle.

Race Point Beach, Cape Cod MA. Real Time.

"Two reasons" I said. "One is that I don't know what to expect from life. I don't know where my dreams meet reality. And two is that, I didn't identify this relationship aS the pathway of my awakening."

There are so many more reasons. But these are the two that actually allowed my consciousness to settle where I was. None of the other reasons would pass the legitimacy test. I know I'm here on a mission, and that I must accomplish that mission above all else. This has been the source of my husband's pain so many times. He's had to decide if he wanted to come with me, or not. I was the one with a strong conviction. And now he's taken back his power and said "this is not me, I don't want to go with you".

And all of my conviction has been called to the mat. Do I really mean it? Can I get through this gate? Can I stay in integrity with my soul while the love of my life is torn away from me, leaving my deepest and most unhealed trauma untethered and exposed?

Truly, I don't know. My body shakes from the pain. I can't eat or sleep. And yet, I am aware that I am inflicting much of this pain on myself. These are my thoughts, my attachments, my projections that I torture myself with. My body is forced to endure the torment from years of this delusion.